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So here I am pacing around this house again
With pictures of us living on
these walls
I see my breath in the cold of the air that I breathe and I'm wondering
I'm wondering if its you that I
feel if its you that I feel here haunting me forever
"Shut up!" I threw a shoe at the radio, and it stopped playing for a few seconds
before resuming the song. I couldn't be dealing with this right now. Normally, I loved Good Charlotte, but this song was just
a little bit too close to home right now. Well, it had been for almost four years, but I didn't have a clue how to let go.
I didn't want to let go. I loved him and I wanted him back here with me. He had to be here, not just for me, but for our little
boy. I'd found out I was pregnant shortly after
died. At first, I was in complete shock. I'd just found out my boyfriend was dead, and two weeks later, I find out I'm carrying
his child. Then, I realised that I couldn't go on moping forever. I had to sort myself out for the sake of my baby. It was
my last remaining part of
, and I wanted to hold onto it forever. I think that's probably why I spoil Ben so much. I just want him to be happy, because
as long as he's happy he's not asking questions about his dad. I will tell him about
someday, but not yet. It's still too fresh in my mind. It still hurts. "Honey, can you come and clear your toys up please.
It's time for dinner." "Ok mummy." I smiled as he walked into the kitchen, dragging his blanket behind him. "I want chips."
I walked over and picked him up, giving him a quick cuddle. "You're just like your dad, you are. A please would be nice."
"Can I have some chips please mummy?" "We'll see. Go and tidy your toys up, I'll make you some chips. Deal?" "Yay!" He walked
off, tripping over his blanket just like a normal hyperactive three year old. "Ben, leave that blanket please. I don't want
you to hurt yourself." I went over to the fridge to get some water out and saw the picture of me and
. It was taken just a few weeks before he died. I felt the tears welling up and closed the door, walking back over to the
cooker. Ben came back in and saw me crying. He came over and hugged my legs. "Don't cry mummy. Daddy wouldn't want to see
you upset." "I'm not upset, honey. I just had something in my eye, that's all. Come here." I picked him up again, flattening
his hair back down. "I love you so much, you know that don't you." "I love you too mummy."
I have been searching for traces of what we were
A ghost of you is all that
I have left
is all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing
left of what we were at all
After dinner, I got Ben ready for
bed, then went back downstairs to clear the table. It was the first time I'd actually spoken about
in about two years. As I got changed for bed, I got a sudden chill down my spine and looked around the room. It was empty,
and the window was closed. It soon passed and I dragged the covers off, getting into bed and switching the light off. I'd
only just shut my eyes when I heard Ben call me. I shot up and ran into his room. "What's wrong honey?" "It went really cold
in my room, and I heard someone talking. It was him mummy. I heard daddy." "Oh, honey, that can't happen. Daddy's not here."
"But I heard him. He said that he loves us both and he's sorry he can't be here." "Ben, that's enough! Your father can't speak
to you, he wasn't in your room. You must have been dreaming. Now go back to sleep." I tucked him in and closed the door, shaking
my head as I walked back to my own room. Boys have such active imaginations at his age. "
." I jumped a mile on hearing that voice. I knew that voice too well, but it couldn't be. He was dead! "
? Is that you?" "I can't stay long." "Why not? What's going on?" "He's beautiful
. Our little boy. I'm sorry I couldn't be there." Oh dear god. I'm having a conversation with my dead fiancée. I must be really
out of it. "Take care of him, and don't spend the rest of your life alone. I want you to be happy. I love you so much." "
, don't leave me." His voice was getting fainter and fainter. "I'm always here for you if you need me, but I have to go now."
"
!" That was it. The room suddenly returned to its normal temperature and I was left alone in the dark, crying.
That's what I’ve been doing every night since then ,just hoping that he'll
comeback to me, but he never does. I guess we were his unfinished business, and once he'd said what he had to say, he had
to leave. I don't hate him or resent him for it. I just wish I could have had one more night with him. A whole night, just
to be near him again. I can't think about moving on. I won't do it. It doesn't matter that he’s not here anymore. I
know that he'll always be there for me and Ben, looking down on us and protecting us. I picked up the CD from the floor and
placed it into the CD player. I know I was probably a bit too old to be listening to this kind of music...at least that's
what Ben would say to me, but this song is one of those I can relate to. Every word is true. Sometimes, when I play it, I
swear I can hear
's voice in the background. Maybe it's just a figment of my imagination, but who am I to question it? I've experienced it
first hand, and I know it's possible.
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear
the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing,
So baby don't feel
my pain
Just smile back...
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