I looked around the room in awe. The guys had really pulled it off this year. I hadn’t been too sure when they’d asked me to leave the Christmas decorations to them, but I had to admit, they’d done an excellent job. I could barely recognise the place. Each and every one of the five boys was now looking at me expectantly, wanting to see my reaction. “Well, how did we do?” “I have to admit I was wrong, guys. This place look absolutely fantastic.” “Does that mean you’ll let us do it up again next year?” “Don’t push your luck, mate. I already said it was good.” They all cheered and high fived each other, completely forgetting I was there. “So, , any plans for a date this year, cos you know, I’d be glad to step in if you can’t find anyone.” “I’m sure you would . Can’t quite think of why that doesn’t surprise me.” “Well, I tried.” “You try every year, mate, and fail. Give it up!” “Shut up . You’re just jealous, at least I try!” “Dude, that is gross. She’s my sister, I would not even go there.” “Oh? Oh, yeah! Duh!” I shook my head and laughed at them as they all took it in turns to tease about his lack of usable brain capacity.

I loved spending time with them, they were all as mad as hatters once you got to know them. They didn’t hold back at all, they just let it all hang loose, so to speak. To them, I was just one of the guys, that’s how long I’d spent hanging around with them. “Alright, seriously, stop teasing the poor guy now. I think he gets the message.” “Thank you . At least someone’s on my side.” “I mean, it’s not exactly his fault he’s so ditzy, is it?” “Oh, thanks. And here’s me thinking you’re defending me for real.” “I was…just adding a bit of humour. Lighten up .” “Pucker up, and I will.” “You are joking, right?” “Nope. Look above you.” I looked up to see the mistletoe right above our heads. “Remind me again why I let you decorate.” “Cos you love us so much. That and we blackmailed you.” “Ok, fine, let’s just get this over and done with.” He closed his eyes and leaned towards me. I pulled away long enough for the others to take a photo, then gave him the smallest of kisses. “And don’t get cheeky. I don’t care how much you complain, that’s all you’re getting. I’m saving the rest for my date tonight.” “Who is it?” “It’s the same guy that’s been my date for the last god knows how many parties and be careful, cos he can hear you and he won’t be happy that you’re making a pass at his girlfriend.” “Sorry, man . Didn’t mean to make a pass at your chick. Well, I did, cos I was kinda hoping she’d have realised who the best looking in the band is, but obviously, I still need to work on it.” “It’s cool. It’s actually quite funny watching you try when you are never really going to get anywhere.”

*end of flashback*

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas is you...

I guess that was the last time we were all together like that, just having a laugh. That party ruined it all for us, and it was all my fault. My fault because I couldn’t handle my drink and made the biggest mistake of my life. I’m still regretting it, even to this day, five years on. If I could turn back time, I would take back that night and do all I could to stop getting hurt. For someone that spent so much of their life telling him how much I loved him, I was doing a pretty lousy job of showing it. The first opportunity I got, I broke everything we’d worked so hard to achieve, and it killed me. Since that year, it had become a bit of a tradition for me to let the guys do all the decorations. I say the guys, but in reality, it was , and who did all the work, while was off in a sulk somewhere and was in my room with me, lying on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. Since that night five years ago, things had become really awkward between all of us. The group was split. was constantly out, I think he just wanted to avoid us, hardly ever spoke to me because I’d hurt one of his best friends and and just ignored us. Me and grew closer and closer until the inevitable happened and we started going out. I don’t know what made me do it, I think it must have partly been the guilt. I thought that seeing as I’d ruined any chance me and might have had, I might as well make something good come of it. In all honesty, I was happy with , but it just wasn’t the same. The spark wasn’t there, because at the end of the day, I didn’t love him like I’d loved . Like I still love him.

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you...

I groaned and hit the button on my alarm clock to stop the noise. I hated all these Christmas songs on the radio. In fact, I hated Christmas. It reminded me of what I’d done and the guilt would come flooding back. “Morning babe.” I kept my eyes firmly shut and grunted a reply, not wanting to wake up. “Come on, it’s Christmas. Don’t be a scrooge.” “ , it is half past six in the bloody morning. I know you’re excited, but I’m tired and I need sleep. Can you please wait another hour before you make me open the presents?” “I guess I could do that for you.” “Thank you.” I snuggled back into him as he wrapped an arm around me. “I love you.” As soon as I heard those words come out of his mouth, I froze. What was I supposed to do now? I could pretend that I hadn’t heard him, but I knew that he wouldn’t fall for it. “It’s fine, you don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know.” “I’m sorry. You know I care about you a lot, I just can’t say it. I said it so much to , and I meant it every time, and look how that ended up.” “I’m not .”

Yeah, and don’t I know it. How could I be so stupid and let him go. I didn’t know who I was trying to kid. I wanted him back. I needed him back. I know it sounds cheesy, but I didn’t know how to be without him. I’d just taken it for granted that he’d always be there and now he wasn’t, I didn’t know how the hell to react.

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you

As I stepped into the room, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of déjà vu. I’d been here before, and it hadn’t ended too well. The whole room was decorated exactly like it had been five years ago. What did they think they were playing at? This was hurting me, I didn’t even want to picture what it was doing to . A slam of the front door and stomping footsteps up the stairs soon answered my question. I took a deep breath and headed up after him. I knew I had no right to ask, but I needed to talk to him. I wasn’t expecting him to forgive me, I just wanted a chance to explain and apologise. For all the good that would do, two hearts were already broken and I had the feeling that a third one was on the way. I couldn’t stay with , no matter how hard I tried to convince myself it was working. I knocked on the door nervously. “Piss off!” Yep, he was definitely in there, and definitely in a bad mood. This was going to be harder than I thought.

I pushed the door open and stepped into the room. He was sat at the window with his back to me. “I said piss off. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.” “Sorry. I just wanted to talk to you about…” I trailed off as he spun round angrily. “About what?! How you jumped into bed with my best friend five years ago. I don’t want to hear it. The fact that you’re going out with him now tells me all I need to know. You never loved me, did you?” “I did. I loved you so much. I still do.” “Then why? And why ?” “I just…I don’t know what happened that night, I can’t explain it. All I know is that I woke up the next morning, feeling like shit with someone else’s arm around me. It wasn’t planned or anything.” “No, don’t tell me. It just happened.” “Well, yeah.” “Don’t give me that bull . Sleeping with someone doesn’t just happen! You must have thought about what you were doing.” “Not at the time. I was drunk . Almost paralytic. I didn’t even know it wasn’t you until I woke up the next morning.” “So he raped you?” “No! It wasn’t rape. I was a consenting adult, I just didn’t know who I was…god this makes me sound like such a slag.” “I can’t deal with this right now.” He got up and walked out of his room, leaving me in a heap on his bedroom floor, with the tears rolling steadily down my cheeks.

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won’t you please bring my baby to me...

That night, I ended things with . I couldn’t carry on lying to myself anymore. I was alone now, there was no-one on my side. I sat down in the corner of the room, nursing a bottle of vodka that was already half empty and the party had only been going on for about twenty minutes. “Is anyone sitting there?” “Doesn’t look like it.” “Can I?” “Yeah, knock yourself out.” I shuffled to one side to make room for him to sit down. “I’m sorry.” “Apology accepted. All I wanted to know was why. All of us know how much was into you, and who can blame him.” “Yeah, it didn’t mean I had to give in.” “You know, you’ve hardly changed in five years.” “Really?” “You’re just a lot more beautiful than I remember.” “That was cheesy.” “But cute, right?” “I guess.” He leaned in and I pulled back. I wasn’t stupid; I knew what was coming next. “You have to kiss me . Look up.” “I don’t need to. I already know.” I smiled as I pulled him towards me, our lips meeting in the first proper kiss I’d had in five years, two days, three hours and twelve minutes. Yes, I did count. After all, this was all I’d been waiting for.

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is you...