‘ . Just thinking about him now sends shivers down my spine. I regret not telling him, but I wasn’t prepared to risk it. It’s better this way. I can deal with the pain. He was the centre of my universe. I loved him so much. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I still do.’ The doorbell rang and I put my pen down, hiding the diary under my bed. I wasn’t going to let anyone else see it. It had memories in there that I didn’t want anyone else to have. They were mine. They were the only part of him I had left.

I opened the door to find a very wet standing on my doorstep. “What’s up? Why are you here?” “It’s about .” “Then I don’t want to know.” “He’s back . Things didn’t work out with him and that tart of a girlfriend, so he came back here. He wants to see you.” “That’s his problem. I gave up waiting for him a long time ago . I’m not going to start again.” “ , please. It’s important.” “So is my life! He walked out on me without so much as a note to say goodbye. Give me one good reason I should welcome him back into my life with open arms.” “Because you loved him. And if I know you, you probably still do.” I didn’t say anything but stepped aside and let him in.

“How do you know he’s back?” “He’s at mine now. I said he could crash there until he finds somewhere more permanent.” “And he wants to see me? Why?” “I don’t know, , I didn’t ask for details. He begged me to come and talk to you, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m just the messenger, I know as much as you do.” “Ok, so why is he back here?” “I told you, he broke up with…” “Yes, but why come back here? What’s here that is so important to him.” “You are! It doesn’t matter what he’s said or done in the past. He’s here now and he wants a chance to put things right. Just hear him out.” I sighed and flopped down on the sofa. “This cannot be happening to me. This isn’t real. Any minute now, I’m going to wake up, and all of this will go away.” “Ignore it all you like, but it’s not going to disappear . He’s your best friend, he needs you right now. Don’t push him away.” “I’m not. It’s just hard . I mean, one minute, we’re all messing about and having fun, and the next, he’s gone and I’m left nursing a broken heart.” “ , get your backside out of this flat, find and tell him how you feel, because if you don’t you’ll lose him for good. You know what he’s like, he won’t stick around if he thinks he’s not wanted.” “God, why do you have to be such an annoying arsehole?” “The same reason you’re a stubborn bitch. I was born that way. Now get out, or I’ll kick you out.” “You can’t do that, it’s my flat.” “Watch me!” “Fine, I’m gone.” I picked my coat up from the back of the chair where I’d left it and made my way to ’ house. My hand was shaking as I rang the doorbell, and I almost bottled out, but then I heard him shout down the stairs, and that was it. I was rooted to the spot.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

”Hurry up, it’s pissing it down out here.” “ ?” “Hey . How’s life?” “Right now? It’s bad, but hopefully, things will get better. You?” “I think we’d best steer clear of that question for now.” “Come in. isn’t here.” “Yeah, I know. He’s at mine, and it wasn’t him I came to see.” “Oh?” “He told me you were back, I figured we needed to talk.” “Look, I just want to say I’m sorry.” “Don’t waste your breath on apologies, I don’t want to hear it. What’s done is done, you can’t change it now.” “ …” “What did you expect me to say ? ‘You walked out on me without even saying goodbye, but it’s ok, I forgive you.’ It doesn’t work like that. You hurt me. I trusted you, and you threw it away. We’re starting from scratch now. The last few years never happened, we’re strangers.” “ , this isn’t you.” “How do you know that ? You haven’t seen me for three years. I’ve changed. You don’t know who I am anymore. I grew up because of you. I had to change everything after you left because everything reminded me of you.” “If you just shut up and listened, I’d be able to say what I have to say and this will all be sorted a lot quicker.” “Fine! Talk!” “I left without saying goodbye because it was a last minute thing. I didn’t want us to fall out, and I knew that that’s exactly what was going to happen because none of you guys liked her.” “I wonder why!” “ , would you just shut up!” “No, I wouldn’t. I came here to sort things out with you. I did not come here to listen to your bullshit excuses, so do me a favour and tell me the truth.” “That’s it! I’m not listening to this. Come on.” “ , let me go! Where are you taking me?” “Somewhere I can block the sound of your voice out. You’re really bugging me!” “Excuse me for breathing! I’ll just go, shall I?” “You’re not going anywhere. You came to sort this out; you’re not leaving until it’s sorted. I don’t care how long that takes.” “You can’t do that!” “Try me!” “I’ll scream.” “Go ahead.” He stood and looked at me as I took a deep breath, and I burst out laughing. “What?” “Nothing’s changed, has it? We still spend all our time arguing even after three years apart.” “Well, if you weren’t so annoying.” “Me annoying?! You’ve never had a conversation with yourself, have you?” “Nope. We’re not all clinically insane.” “Oh, shut up!” “I missed this.” “I missed you. I’m glad you’re back.” “Really?” “Yeah.”

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

”So, what brings you back here?” “I just needed to come back home for a bit, clear my head.” “Why wait until now?” “You already know, don’t you?” “Yeah, told me. What happened?” “We just decided that it wasn’t working out. I missed you guys, and she was never home. I spent most of my time alone, I didn’t get on with any of her friends, and I decided I’d had enough. I told her it was over, packed my bags and got on the first train back.” “I’m sorry to hear that, although I’m not going to pretend I didn’t expect it to happen. She didn’t love you, you could just tell by the way she was around you. I never meant to push you away. I just wanted to make you realise that you were making a mistake.” “Couldn’t you have found an easier way? It really hurt that one of my best friends was being so bitchy about it. I was happy, all I wanted was for you to be happy for me too.” “Well, I’m sorry , I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t going to stand by and watch you get sucked in by her. I was not going to lose the one guy that meant everything to me.” “You wouldn’t have lost me anyway. What you did was more likely to cause that than just telling me the truth.” “I couldn’t do that though. Not without getting hurt.” “What do you mean?” “It’s not easy telling any guy you have feelings for him. When it’s your best friend, who is in a relationship with a girl you can’t stand, it’s even harder. You’d have just accused me of trying to break you up.” “That’s what you’d be doing though, isn’t it?” “No! I loved you; I wanted to be with you. I was jealous of the way you were with her; I wanted that to be me. I wanted you to love me the way I loved you.” “So it’s true?” “What?” “ told me when I left. He told me everything, and I left because I didn’t believe him. I thought that there was no way you could feel that way about me, because it wasn’t you there telling me. If it had been, I would have stayed.” “You mean if I’d come after you that day, we wouldn’t have lost the last three years.” “Yeah, that’s pretty much what I’m saying.” “Why didn’t you tell me earlier. Why didn’t you get in touch?” “Because I thought you didn’t care.” “Of course I cared! I never stopped caring. That’s what got me in this bloody mess in the first place.”

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

It felt so much better having talked things through with him. The truth was out now, and we were still friends. Nothing was awkward; I think we were just glad to be reunited to be honest. I know I was glad to see him again. My heart was finally getting the missing piece back, and I could recover fully now. Our friendship was still as strong as ever, being apart for three years hadn’t affected us at al. we still had a laugh, messed about and played tricks on the other guys. Tonight was his turn to host the mini party. It was just me and the guys, and I was really looking forward to spending some time with them all. I’d seen them all around, but we hadn’t had a gathering like this since had come back. I was already there, helping him sort out the furniture and food, seeing as all of them are useless cooks, and I refused to spend money on take-away. As the doorbell rang, he called down to me to open the door. “Can’ t you do it, I’m only half dressed.” “I’ve just come out of the shower, so no.” I groaned and opened the door to be met by , and . “Oi oi. We’re not interrupting anything are we?” “No, you’re not. Get in, it’s bloody freezing.” “ , have you seen my trousers anywhere?” “No, I haven’t. have you checked downstairs?” “Good point.” I hid my face as came downstairs wearing just his boxers. “Oh, hey guys. I didn’t realise you were all here. I’ll be down in a minute. , can you come and help me for a minute, I don’t know which top to wear.” There were wolf whistles and cheers from the others as I reluctantly followed up the stairs. When we got to the top, I playfully whacked him across the chest. “You have no idea what you just did.” “What?” “They are never going to believe that nothing’s going on between us. It’s bad enough that I opened the door wearing one of your shirts, then you come downstairs wearing just your boxers. We are never going to hear the end of this.” “Well, it’s none of their business, so they can think whatever the hell they like.”

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

After a few hours of non-stop drinking, I finally decided I’d had enough. “Guys, I’m going to have to love you and leave you. As much as I’m enjoying this, my head is going to hate me tomorrow, so I’m off to bed.” “I’ll come up with you.” “Tucking her in, are you .” “Jealous cos it’s not you?” I walked up the stairs and straight into my room, diving under the covers and pulling them up over my head. “ , are you ok babe?” “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just tired, that’s all. Go back downstairs if you like, I’ll be fine.” “If you’re sure. Night.” “Night .” He shut the door, leaving me on my own. I lay there in the dark, thinking about everything we’d been through. Surely it meant something to him too. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek, and before I knew it, I was in floods of tears. I don’t know how long I was there for, but at some point came in and sat on the end of my bed. “ , what’s wrong?” “Nothing, I’m just being stupid.” “You’ve been crying for the last hour, it can’t be nothing. Spill.” “It’s just me, ok. I was thinking about something and it got too much. I’m fine.” He eyed me warily before getting up. “Oi, . Come in here for a minute. ’s upset and she won’t tell me why, maybe you’ll have more luck. I’ll see you in the morning guys.” He left the room and shut the door, leaving me and alone in the dark. “Look, you don’t have to tell me what’s up if you don’t want to, but at least stop crying. You know I don’t like seeing you upset.” “I’m fine. I was just thinking about you leaving and it upset me, that’s all.” He lay down next to me and wrapped an arm around me. “Well, you don’t have to worry about that. I’m here, and I’m staying.” Not long after, I fell asleep, the sound of his heartbeat relaxing me.

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

the next morning, I woke up and tried to get up, but found myself being held down by something. I turned the other way and saw him asleep. He looked perfect...then again, he always did in my eyes. I couldn’t stop myself and leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek. He mumbled something in his sleep and smiled. “Wake up, you lazy git. It’s nearly 12.” “Don’t want to. I want to stay here.” “How much did you drink last night?” “Too much. Please don’t ever let me drink again.” “I couldn’t stop you even if I wanted to.” “Good point.” “I’m off to get dressed and cook breakfast, seeing as you’re probably all starving.” “Cheers babe.” I left him lying there and went downstairs. A few minutes later, he came downstairs, rubbing his eyes and holding a piece of paper. I ignored it at first until I recognised my writing. It was one of the diary entries I had written after he left. “ , where did you find that?” “It was sticking out from under your bed so I brought it down.” “Oh.” “Why, what is it?” “Nothing important.” “Can I read it?” “I’d really rather you didn’t.” I tried to grab it from him but he’d already unfolded it and had started reading. I sank down into the nearest chair, dreading his reaction. He finally finished reading and looked up at me. “Why didn’t you tell me?” “Because… , we’ve already been through this.” “So this is how you felt. You can’t trust guys because of me leaving.” “I didn’t say that.” “No, but you wrote it. , you’re my best friend, we’re not meant to have any secrets.” “Well, here’s the truth then. I’ve been in love with you since…I can’t even remember when I first realised. I was scared of losing you, so I bottled it up, and wrote about it instead.” “You want to know what I think?” I nodded nervously. He took the piece of paper and a lighter and held the corner of the page to the flame. He then left it in the ashtray, wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into him, placing the gentlest of kisses on my lips. I smiled and watched the words on the page disappear as it turned to ash.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you