Life can Change

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Part 1

Dear Diary,

I know it's a long time since I last wrote in. I wasn't allowed to keep a diary at Westlake. I wasn't allowed to do anything at Westlake - I was looked upon as a fragile little girl that has to be wrapped up in cotton wool. I hated it there. The wards were stuffy and small, and the other girls there weren't very talkative. I can't understand what I was doing there. All the other 'patients' were sick and frail. My room mate, Kelly, was so small, you could barely make out her body under the covers. She hardly ever got out of bed, the doctor's said she was too weak.

In case you hadn't already guessed, Westlake is a hospital. Not just any old hospital though - they specialise in eating disorders. That's why I didn't understand why I'd been sent there. I didn't have an eating disorder, I was just fussy about what I ate. I was a normal weight, though some days I'd feel too bloated to eat anything. Compared to Kelly, I was fat. Her tiny 5 stone frame paled in comparison to my 6 stone frame. She was the envy of most of the girls at Westlake. It was their aim to be the skinniest, to eat the least and to be labelled the closest to death whenever the doctor's did their rounds. Kelly was nothing more than a skeleton - when I first arrived at Westlake nearly a year ago, she had just been admitted for the fifth time. Her eyes were sullen and her shoulders slumped. She had lost any confidence she may once have had. In fact, everyone was like that. Not a single one of them weighed more that 6 and a half stone. Their ribs and hip bones stuck out at awkward angles, and the baggy gowns they were made to wear created the illusion that they were barely there. That's when I realised that I had a problem. This was what I had become - nothing more than skin and bones. This was what he had driven me to.

I looked around at the girls, feeling their eyes following my every move, and suddenly felt very conscious of my weight. Although I weighed no more than 6 stone, I felt huge. Kelly was one of the first to come up to me. She could barely stand up straight, let alone walk, so I appreciated the effort she made. We quickly forged a friendship, stronger than any I had experienced outside in the real world. I told her things I had never told anyone before. I told her everything about my life - how I had always been the popular one. How I had experienced heartbreak, and the effects that had on me. I even told her about my relationship with him. How after we'd broken up, I'd felt the need to lose weight. Maybe he didn't like me anymore because I was too fat. That's when my obsession with food began. I'd wake up before everyone else in the mornings just so I could say I'd had breakfast. Lunch consisted of an apple, sometimes two if I felt I deserved it. At dinner time, I'd push my food around on the plate, making it look like I'd eaten more than I actually had. If I dared go over the targets I'd set myself, I'd go upstairs, stick my fingers down my throat and throw up until I felt satisfied I'd rid myself of my sins. This continued for more than two years, until my weigh plummeted so drastically, I began blacking out at school. I ignored the problem at first and convinced everyone I was recovering from a stomach bug, which was why I'd lost so much weight. Everyone believed me - everyone except him, that is. He cornered me one afternoon, and forced the truth out of me. He looked disgusted and disappointed, before walking away, muttering something along the lines of 'stupid cow, why do that to yourself?'

The truth was, I couldn't help myself. I thought I could control it, but as time went by, it became clear, that I was no longer the one in control. The look on his face made me feel so low about what I'd done, I went home that afternoon and ate whatever I could get my hands on. I was so used to throwing up by now, the food came straight back up again. In the end, I'd given up trying. It wasn't until he called round with the doctors I was willing to even consider accepting help. As far as I was concerned, I didn't have a problem with food. My only problem was my weight. I was still far too fat, and I needed to lose weight - fast!

Kelly sat and listened patiently, nodding from time to time. I admired her. I set myself a target - by the time I left Westlake, I wanted to look like Kelly. She was so beautiful and slim. I looked down in disgust at my flat stomach, pinching the skin and watching it bounce back. I had to lose weight, or she might stop speaking to me. She wouldn't want a fat friend showing her up. Three months into my stay at Westlake, Kelly died. Her weight had dropped so far below the norm, her immune system had started attacking her own organs. Doctor's there tried to help her, but like I said, we're not the ones in control. Not anymore.

I was in shock for days after she died. I didn't want the same thing to happen to me, but no matter how hard I tried, my body just would not accept food. For the first time in my life, I realised that this disease could kill me. Weigh days became the bane of my life. I hated them with a passion. Stepping on those scales every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, my heart seemed to stop for a brief moment, until those fateful numbers were read out. 6 stone exactly, five stone 9lbs, 5 stone 7lbs. No matter what I ate, or how I was force fed, the weight just kept dropping off. It wasn't until I reached 5 and a half stone that the doctors got worried and put me in isolation. I wasn't allowed to speak to any of the other girls directly in case I tried to give them my food. I was on watch 24/7, in case my heart packed up. I didn't have any time to myself. After nearly a month in isolation, I gradually started putting weight back on. I was allowed to exercise with the group, but only for 20 minutes. Eventually, I got back up to 6 and a half stone, and after being kept under close observation for a month, I was finally allowed back home.

You wouldn't believe how much life can change in the space of a year. At school, I've gone from being the popular one to being the outcast. Everyone knows what happened and they avoid me in the corridors. They don't know what to say or how to act around me. Even he doesn't speak to me anymore. Diary, I don't know what I've done wrong? I couldn't help the way I was. I'm over my eating disorder now, but I'll have to suffer with it forever now. Things will never be the way they used to be. All this because of one kiss. The kiss of life - for me, it was very nearly the kiss of death.

In order for you to understand who I really am, you must first know my story. It's a story I am used to telling, but one that I will never fully understand myself. It's the story that changed my life forever. The effects love and loss can have on a child, especially one as easily influenced as myself.

I'm not sure I know exactly what happened to make me this way. I never used to care what people thought of me. The way I saw it, if somebody didn't like me, that was their problem. I wasn't willing to change who I was for anyone. Anyone except him, that is. He always made little jokes about my weight, saying I was prettier than the other girls because I was curvier. I took it the wrong way, thinking that was just a polite way to tell me I'm fat. It wasn't until I'd dropped down to 7 stone that he noticed something wasn't right. He must have realised it was partly down to the things he said, because he started apologising and telling me he was only joking. Obviously, by that time it was too late to say sorry. The damage was done, it was pointless apologising for things that had happened as a result of his 'jokes'. My confidence levels hit a new low, and I now wouldn't leave the house unless I'd gone without breakfast in the mornings.

I was just nine years old the first time I met him. He moved in next door, and we didn't exactly hit it off right away. In fact, we absolutely hated each other. I saw him as the annoying little boy who pulled my hair and tripped me up in the garden, and he saw me as the moody little girl who spent all her time trying to bug him. I don't know what happened to make us become friends, but at high school, suddenly everyone wanted to know me, and I guess he just followed the crowd. In no time at all, we were inseparable. He was no longer annoying, he was like the brother I never had. I looked up to him, and he made me feel safe. It was entirely understandable that when things with him started going downhill, I fell in with the wrong crowd and turned my whole life upside down.

Part 2

I suppose I'd better start the story by introducing myself. My name is ( for short). I was sent to Westlake three years ago, when I was just fifteen. It might not seem like that long ago, but to me, it seems like a lifetime away. That chapter of my life is over - for now at least, but I still don't really know where it began. The he I kept referring to - that's another story entirely. I'll tell you about that later. For now, I'll stick to the troubles I had with food and my image.

I was always a pretty girl - or so I was told. I never saw it myself. Being 5 foot nine and weighing just over nine stone, every single girl at school told me I had a figure to die for. I didn't agree with them. I hated my body even back when I was thirteen. I was slim, but that didn't mean I looked like a boy. I had hips and boobs, just like any average girl. I didn't like it though. Finding trousers that fit was murder. It's bad enough they don't do trousers for long legged girls like me (my nickname at school was hopper, because my legs were apparently like a grasshoppers. I think that's where my fear of grasshoppers stems from.) The fact that they didn't sell trousers for curvy girls that had small waistlines and big hips was a piss take. I ended up having to buy trousers in size 12, although my waist was a petite size 8. I usually ended up buying low cut hipsters, but then my underwear was always on show. The worst thing was the comments I got from jealous girls at school. They called me a slag just because of it, and it made me really self conscious. I was constantly pulling my trousers up to avoid any embarrassing flashes, but there was always one or two occasions I'd forget.

The boys in school weren't too bad - apart from when they tried looking down my top. I guess it was a natural thing for them to do, so I didn't pay too much attention. It was hard to do that at Westlake though. Everyone's eyes were on you the whole time. There was nowhere to hide from it. The pressure to be slim was unbelievable. If anybody dared put on weight between weigh days, they were shunned by the rest of the group until the next weigh day. I found the last few months there the hardest. I'd acknowledged I had a serious problem, and after seeing Kelly die, I'd decided to try and beat it. The girls didn't like the fact that I was trying to get better. They didn't realise they were ill, they just thought they were fat. I was excluded from social gatherings, and forced to spend more and more of my time alone. By the time I got out, I was so used to spending time alone, I shied away from people. I gradually accepted that I could beat this on my own, but I couldn't keep it beaten. I needed people around me to help me. The problem was finding them. Nobody in school wanted to know me anymore, they all avoided me in the corridors and sat away from me in the canteen. It was hard to stay focussed when things like that happened, but I soon learned to get over it. I didn't need them bringing me down. I was strong and beautiful, and nobody else's opinions mattered anymore. All that was important was what I thought of myself, and right now, I'd never felt better.

The first day back at school reminded me of my first day at Westlake. It was a daunting prospect, returning to the real world after having spent so long being cocooned, and I was having a hard time getting used to freedom. I was now in control of my own eating habits, just like I had been before. Only this time, I wasn't going to make the same mistakes again. I was stronger and wiser, and there was no way was going to go back to the way it was. I hated feeling helpless and weak, and hated being at Westlake even more. It was a prison in it's own right. We were monitored constantly, I'd sometimes felt like a goldfish in a bowl. It was like I was there for the whole world to look at. Back at school, I felt exactly the same. Everyone stared at me, whispered behind my back and giggled constantly. They made me paranoid at first, but I soon learned to ignore them. If I was to recover completely, I had to block out all the negativity that surrounded me. As I walked down the crowded corridor to my next class, I felt myself get pushed and I went sprawling across the floor, my books flying out of my hands. As I scrambled to pick them up, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to be met with the deepest eyes I'd ever seen. I recognised them from somewhere, but it wasn't until I focussed on the person's face I realised who it was. My free hand flew up to my face and I stifled a cry. It was him...the cause of all my problems.

Part 3

I scrabbled about trying to collect my books. I wanted to get away from him as soon as possible. Just being this close to him was making me feel things I should not have felt, and if I wanted to get better, I had to block him out of my head and get on with my life without him. It was easier said than done though. As I stood up and started walking away, I heard him shout my name. I ignored him and carried on walking, fighting the tears that were springing to my eyes. Why did it have to be so hard? Why couldn't he just leave me alone? I hated the fact that he could still do this to me...make me fall apart just by saying my name. He'd done it before, only I hadn't minded then. It made me feel good that someone liked me...especially someone like him. If he liked you, it meant that you were pretty, popular and basically, part of 'the cool kids' gang. I shook my head, trying to push the memories out. We'd had so much fun together. I didn't want it to be this way. I just wanted to go back to how it was before any of this happened... before Westlake, before moving here, but most of all, before him.

As I turned the corner, I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. He was stood a few metres away and his head was hanging. I felt a sharp pang in my heart and tried to push it away. He wasn't the victim here...I was. I'd nearly died because of what he'd done to me, so why was I so concerned. Why did I care about hurting him. The truth...I loved him. I don't think I ever stopped. All the time I was at Westlake, I carried a photo of him with me. I thought I'd lost it once, and I remember going into a blind panic. I'd refused to go anywhere or do anything until I got it back. That included eating. I went nearly a whole week without any food passing through my lips before one of the girls returned it to me. I never made that mistake again. I'd let him hurt me as much as I was going to. From here on, I would have nothing more to do with him. The photo would serve me as a reminder of all the bad things in my life that happened because of him. I wasn't going to let him win this one.

I pushed him out of my head and carried on walking. I walked straight out of the school gates and didn't stop until I got to the cemetery. I wanted someone to talk to, and right now, my best bet was Kelly. I made my way over to the familiar patch of earth and sat down.

"Hey Kel. I know I haven't been here for a while. I'm really sorry, but I've been so heaped with coursework, I honestly haven't had time. I've been thinking about you a lot though. I don't understand why you were the way you were. You were a beautiful person, and I'm sure you would have been just as nice without starving yourself. I can't say this enough times, but thank you so much. In a way, you helped me more than the people at Westlake ever could. They wanted me to get better, but I didn't like the way they were doing it. They didn't understand that we can't be forced to eat. We have to want to do it. After you died, I realised that I didn't want that to be me. I didn't want to push myself so far, I couldn't come back from it. Most of all, I wasn't going to let him win. I was strong enough to beat this stupid disease, and I was beautiful as I was. I didn't need to starve myself. I miss having you here to talk to. I know I come here a lot, but it's not the same. You can't talk back, you can only listen, and sometimes I don't know if that's enough."

I don't know how long I was sat there, but when I realised it was getting dark, I stood up. "I'll be back soon, I promise. I won't leave it as long this time." I left the rose by her grave and slowly walked back towards the path.

Part 4

I woke up the next morning, the sunlight glaring in my eyes and I groaned as I realised I had school today. I reluctantly dragged myself out of the warm bed and staggered over to the bathroom. A good twenty minutes later, I was back in my room, picking an outfit. I looked through the pile of skirts on my bedroom floor and quickly decided against it. I had band practise today, and I wasn't going to wear a short skirt in case he was in the room practising too. I wasn't ready to deal with that yet.

I finally settled on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, along with my converse. As I was getting dressed, I looked up at the clock and realised that if I didn't get a move on, I'd be late. I ran down the stairs, tripping over my laces and landing in a heap at the bottom. "Damn laces, they never stay tied up." I picked myself up and carefully inspected myself for any bruises. There were none, so I carried on towards the front door. "I'll be home late today mum, I'm staying behind for practise." I was nearly out of the door when she called me back. " , you haven't had any breakfast." "Mum, I'm late, I'll grab something on the way." "You'll do nothing of the sort. Come back here and eat something or you're not going to school today." I sighed and trudged back into the kitchen where she placed a slice of toast in front of me. She watched me like a hawk as I chewed and swallowed bite after bite. "Mum, can you stop staring? Please? I'm not going to spit it out." "Sorry, darling. It's just, we worry about you...after everything that happened with ..." "DON'T mention his name around me! I'm sick and tired of people talking about him. What he did nearly killed me, so excuse me if he's not exactly my favourite person right now." I swallowed the last bite of the toast and stood up, angrily flinging my bag over my shoulder.

At school, I met up with and outside the music area. "Hey girls, sorry I'm late. Mum wouldn't let me out of the house until I'd had breakfast, you know how it is." "Yeah. Anyway, we were thinking. If we want to succeed, we have got to start doing more practise sessions, or we'll never get anywhere...so I've managed to get our teachers to agree to let us out of lessons all week to practise on the condition we perform in assembly at the end of term." We all shared a hug and started cheering, getting a few weird looks from other students. " , you are brilliant, thank you so much." "Oh, yeah, you have lessons with .." "Don't say it!" " , you have to talk about him at some point. It's obvious you still care about him, otherwise you wouldn't be acting like this." "No, I don't. I hate him. I hate him for the way he treated me and what he did to me." "And what did he do?" "Told me he loved me, and kissed that slag in front of the whole school. Can we please change the subject?" I pushed the door to the music room open and came face to face with him yet again.

I scowled and pushed past, but he grabbed my arm. "Get off me!" " , please don't be like this. I've been meaning to talk to you, but you keep running off." "I wonder why. I nearly died . I nearly died because you lied to me and you hurt me. I don't want anything to do with you again. I meant it when I said its over. You're nothing but a lying, cheating, irresponsible git. You're nothing to me. Not anymore. I wish I'd never met you. Now please, just stay the hell away from me." I ignored the hurt look on his face and the shock on 's as I grabbed the drumsticks from my bag and started drumming, venting all my anger and pain out on the drums. I tried in vain to hold my own tears back as he ran out. I knew I'd been too hard on him...half of the things I'd said weren't even true. I was still in love with him, just like said, but I wasn't willing to put my heart on the line again. I couldn't let myself fall that badly again, and keeping him away from me was the only way I'd succeed. If I let him in again, I knew it would lead to more tears.

The girls came up to me and each wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "I'm right, aren't I? You do still have feeling for him." I nodded slowly as I collapsed in tears, sliding down the wall onto the floor. I felt so empty and lost without him. "I just want this all to go away . I want to go back to the way it used to be, when we were kids and we mucked around and nothing was this hard. I want it to go back to how it was when we were together, because those were the best times I had. I don't want to be this girl anymore. I don't want to be the one everyone feels sorry for. I just want to be me."

Part 5

That was the first time I'd allowed my real feeling to escape, and now I'd said it, I couldn't take it back. I still loved him, despite everything he'd ever done to me. I could try and hide it form everyone, but at the end of the day, it wasn't going to go away.

I pulled myself together and took the drumsticks away from . "Come on, we've got a rehearsal to do. Don't look at me like that, I'm fine. And if this gets out, I'll know who it came from. I don't want him to know that I can't even deal with life because he's not around." They looked at each other and shrugged before taking their positions.

I'm dreaming about tomorrow
I'm thinking of yesterday
I consume myself in sorrow
This moment in time is what I betray
I am searching for the answers

I look around sometimes I get sad,
'Cause I don't know which way to go
I look around sometimes I get sad,
'Cause my life is spinning out of control

I never know what you want
I never know what you need
it was different from the start
when you cut me in two
I never thought I would bleed
but I am searching for the answers

I look around sometimes I get sad,
'Cause I don't know which way to go
I look around sometimes I get sad,
'Cause my life is spinning out of control

I will go this alone
I don't need nobody's help
I've got to do this myself
Alone, Alone, Alone, Alone

I look around sometimes I get sad,
'Cause I don't know which way to go
I look around sometimes I get sad,
'Cause my life is spinning out of control
I look around sometimes I get sad,
'Cause I don't know which way to go
I look around sometimes I get sad,
'Cause my life is spinning out of control

The song was one I'd heard a million times before, and I related to it 100%. I knew that life was full of problems, and that I'd have to deal with them alone if I was to get anywhere. I couldn't show emotion, I couldn't let myself cry or feel. I had to be numb to be strong.

Part 6

We worked really hard over the next few weeks, trying to get the songs ready on time for the end of term assembly at school. I spent all my free time writing songs and practising, by the time it came to performing, I was a recluse. I hardly spoke to anyone, I'd even started ignoring and . I was sick and tired of them trying to tell me what I should do. They didn't understand what a dilemma I was facing. I needed in my life, but there was no way I could forgive and forget what he'd done to me.

I saw the girls walking down the corridor towards me and instantly jumped up, slipping through the crowds to safety. As much as I loved them and knew they only wanted to help, I needed some time on my own. I couldn't sit there and listen to them harping on about and his friends all day, it was doing my head in. I couldn't explain to them the reason I'd been so upset when we broke up...it had nothing to do with the fact that he'd kissed another girl and everything to do with the fact that he knew about my older cousin dying. He knew exactly how much I needed him at that point in time, yet he still chose to turn his back on me. That was what I couldn't forgive.

As I shut the door to the music room behind me, I let out a sigh of relief. I couldn't run from them for much longer, and I couldn't run from my problems forever, but for now, I was more than happy to do so. I didn't understand why I had to change, or why I had to make the first move as far as was concerned. He'd made a mistake, he was the one that should apologise to me. I walked over to the microphone and started singing.

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holding' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use

I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

I was just putting everything back in it's place when I heard something behind me. I spun round quickly and froze in shock.

Part 7

was stood opposite me with a smile on his face. "What!" I snapped, feeling more than a bit trapped by the situation. I knew I had to speak to him sooner or later, but I hadn't wanted to face him alone. I was incapable of putting up the barriers unless I had one of the girls there with me. It made me feel helpless, but then again, that's how I always felt around him. It's just one of those things in life, where it doesn't matter how hard you try and get over someone, it's never quite good enough.

"You're really good. Are you performing that song at the end of term?" "I don't really think that's any of your business, do you?" " , come on." "Don't call me that!" "Fine, . Why are you giving me such a hard time over this? We might not get on much, but we're still at school, and we have to make an effort. People expect us to act civil towards each other." "Well, , I don't give a rat's arse what they expect. You hurt me, I'm hurting you back. It's that simple."

I packed the mic away, pushing past him roughly to get to the door. "You're only doing this to get back at me, and you're upset because it isn't working. You wanna know why it isn't working? I'm over you. I forgot about everything that ever happened between us while you were at Westlake. If you ask me, they sent you to the wrong part of the hospital. You should have gone to the mental disorders clinic, because you're a psycho. We're over, , deal with it." I tried to choke back the tears. there was no way I was going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. "I know we're over...the reason I was even at Westlake is because we were over, except you forgot to tell me. You're supposed to break up with one girlfriend before you get with the next, it might do you good to remember that. There is no way on this earth I would ever be with you again, you lowlife jerk. I just hope she was worth losing me, because you've blown it big time." I walked out, slamming the door, just in time to hear him mutter something under his breath. "She wasn't worth it...nothing ever is."

I ran from the music room as fast as I could, bumping into someone as I turned the corner. "Whoa, , slow down babes. What's wrong?" "Nothing, I just had a bit of a run in with . I'll be fine, there's something I need to do first. Tell the teacher I had to sort something out urgently. I'll call you later... if I don't it means something's wrong. I'm going to be at the cemetery, I need to sort something out." I left the school, not giving her a chance to reply or ask any questions. I knew this was the right thing to do. If I left and didn't come back, nobody would miss me, least of all . I'd be doing them all a favour.

Part 8

I turned the corner into the cemetery and sat by Kelly's grave again. 'Hey Kel, it's me again. I don't know what I'm doing here, I guess I just needed someone to talk to. You're the only one who really understands. I know this might sound stupid, but I really need some advice. 's been on my case again. That's the reason I was at Westlake. He really hurt me, and I'm still trying to get over it. I'm still trying to get over him. I just wanted to know whether it's time to forgive and forget. He's trying to change, and I don't know if he knows how much he's still hurting me. I just want it to go back to how it used to be.'

I picked up my school bag and made my way back home, convinced that I was making the right decision. As soon as I got home, I packed a few clean outfits and a photo of me and taken just weeks before I went to Westlake. I had to get out of here in order to get better. Not wanting to leave without saying goodbye to and , I reluctantly headed back to school.

"Sorry I'm late sir, I had something I needed to sort out." "Well, Miss , I'm so glad my lesson didn't come in the way of your social life. See me after the lesson please." I groaned and slumped down in my seat. As I pulled out my exercise book, I heard someone speak up. "Sir, I'm afraid can't stay behind today. She has to go to band practise, they're performing next week and they need to put the finishing touches to the songs." I turned around, ready to thank whoever had just got me out of trouble and my face fell when I saw it was . What was he doing? I smiled at him and turned back to the front, scribbling down the notes from the board.

A screwed up note landed on my desk and I opened it, reading the message written on it. 'Meet me outside the front at the end of the day. We need to talk. xx' I scribbled a note back and threw it back over to . At the end of the day, I waited anxiously outside the front gate for him. I looked down at my watch, and realised that I'd just missed my train. Maybe after today, I wouldn't need to leave.

Part 9

Just as I was about to leave, turned up. He was out of breath, which made it obvious he'd been running. "Sorry I'm late. I had to sort out something with the guys." "It's fine. What did you want to talk about?" He paused for a while, contemplating whether to tell me. "Us. I know what I said in the music room, but I was wrong. I just didn't want to let you know how much you were getting to me. The way we ended...I know it was my fault, and I just wanted to apologise. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I just didn't know what to do or say to make it better, so I took the cowards way out. I pushed you away and hurt you even more, and I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"

I looked into his eyes and saw that he was being sincere. I wanted to forgive him ,but at the same time, it wasn't going to be that easy to put it behind me. He'd apologised now, and that made me feel better, but I couldn't forget everything he'd done to me. " ,I...I appreciate you doing this, but I need time. I will try, but it's going to be hard. I just don't want things to go back to the way they were, because that would just make everything I’ve been through seem irrelevant, and it's not. It's a part of me now...it defines who I am inside. I refuse to let go of those memories, because it scares me. It scares me that I could go back to how I was. I didn't like that person, that wasn't who I am."

His face fell as I finished speaking. I rested my hand on his cheek and he looked up at me. "I never meant for any of this, . I just want us to go back in time to how it used to be. Back when it was us against the world. I miss that...I miss you. I miss waking up with you next to me and I miss just being with you. I'm sorry." " , I can't do this. Don't pressure me into it, because you'll only end up getting hurt. I don't want to hurt you, I really don't. Things will get better eventually, and you never know...we could go back to how it used to be." "So there's a chance?" "There's always a chance for love." I looked at my watch again. "I have to go, my mum will be waiting for me." "I'll walk you home."

We walked down the road side by side in silence until he noticed my bag. "What have you got in there?" "Oh, just stuff." " , tell me the truth." "I was thinking about leaving. I packed my bag and I would have left if you hadn't given me that note. I just wanted to get away from here."