*Flashback*

I was stood by the window, waiting for my parents to come home. It was my fifth birthday; surely they should be here by now. Tears filled my eyes as I looked up at the clock. Ten past eight. They should be here now; they were never late to anything. I heard someone shuffle in the room and I jumped off the ledge, running towards the noise. I was left disappointed again. It wasn’t them, it was my neighbour. “Happy birthday angel.” I smiled and tried to block out the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach as I struggled to keep the guests entertained. “Thank you, Miss . Is here today?” “Yes, he’s in the kitchen.” I thanked her again before running off to see him. He was huddled in the corner of the kitchen, holding a chocolate bar. As I entered the room, he held it out to me, and I took it, breaking off a small piece. “Where’s your mum and dad?” I shrugged, concentrating on the small piece of chocolate in a vain attempt to stop the tears. He stood up and wrapped his arms around me, the way five year olds do when they see someone upset. “You can share mine for today if you like.” I smiled at him, but our little chat was interrupted by a knock on the door. ’s mum came in, followed by a police officer. “ , honey, can you give us a minute?” He gave me another small hug before leaving me in the room with the adults. I walked over to his mum and she picked me up. “When are my parents coming?” I asked, with an innocent smile on my face. “Oh, honey. They won’t be able to make it. They had an accident on the way here, and it was really bad. I’m sorry, angel.” That was all I needed to set me off. I was suddenly in hysterics, screaming and crying. “NO! I WANT MY MUMMY. SHE HAS TO COME, SHE PROMISED.” The police officer was stood to one side, looking on awkwardly as she tried to comfort me. Eventually, I stopped crying and nuzzled into her, still sniffling occasionally. “So, officer, what happens now?” “Well, we’ll have to get in touch with social services. As I understand it, the little girl has no other relatives here, so we’re going to try and find her a foster family.” I listened, still too shocked to say anything or argue back. I was taken away later that week and put into a home until they found a family for me. Being separated from hurt the most. I kicked and screamed as they dragged me away, eventually letting me go back to say goodbye. I ran over to him and hugged him. “Where are you going?” “I’m going to find a new mummy and daddy, but I’ll come back and visit, I promise. I love you .” “I love you too .” And that was that. I didn’t see him again until my ninth birthday.

*End of Flashback*

I’d tried so hard to be like them, but it didn’t matter how many pairs of shoes I bought or how much make up I wore, I was never going to fit in. I never had. was different – he was always more popular than me, but he didn’t like it. He was treated as an outcast because he was my friend. I guess that he did like it though, because when he had to choose between them and me, he turned his back on me. Just like I’d done all those years ago. Except, I hadn’t wanted to. Life forced me to move, but I never forgot him. I carried a photo of him everywhere I went, and whenever I felt down, all I had to do was look at it and I’d feel a bit better. The three and a half years I’d spent in foster care were the worst in my life. I hated every minute of it. The family I’d been placed with was quite nice, if you don’t count the son, . He made my life a misery from the minute I stepped foot in the house.

*Flashback*

I swallowed nervously as he advanced on me. He was nearly sixteen and a lot bigger than me. In the year I’d spent here already, I’d learnt to deal with his mood swings and violence, but nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. I was just over six years old the first time he came into my room. He had a huge grin on his face, like he wanted something, but I didn’t know what. “Hey, . How are you?” “I-I-I’m okay, thank you.” I stuttered, unsure of why he was suddenly being so nice to me. He continued smiling as he reached out and pulled my nightdress up. I squirmed slightly, trying to free myself, and he clamped a hand over my mouth. “Ssh, it’s ok. I’m not going to hurt you. You have to promise to be quiet though.” I nodded, my eyes shining with unshed tears. I closed my eyes as he climbed on top of me and within minutes, it was all over. “Good girl. Now, don’t forget, this is just our little secret, ok?” I nodded again, and turned my back to him, sliding my hand under my pillow and resting it over the photo of . I was only six years old, but I knew that something wasn’t right. I put up with three years of sexual abuse and two years of physical abuse before one of my teachers caught on. She helped me escape the next day, and then reported to social services. As far as I know, he still hasn’t been released. Once I’d run away, there was only ever one place I was going to go – back to . As I walked up the familiar driveway, I spotted a boy in the garden next door. Although he had his back to me, I knew it was him. I smiled to myself before continuing to the front door, lugging my suitcase behind me. I knocked twice and waited patiently, keeping an eye on . I heard a creak and turned round to see his mum stood there. “Hi Miss .” “ , is that you?” I nodded, letting out a giggle as she picked me up and swung me round. “It’s so good to see you again. Come in.” I followed her into the house, leaving the case in the landing. “So, to what do we owe this pleasure to?” “I’ve come back home.” She looked at me, a mixture of confusion and surprise on her face. “But, what about the family that was looking after you? Have they agreed to this?” I shook my head, the tears welling up again. “I ran away. He… got caught. I can’t stay there anymore.” She tucked my hair behind my ear and gasped as she saw the purplish bruise that covered my left eye. “ , what have they done to you angel? I knew I should never have let you go. was moping around for ages after you left, he wouldn’t speak to me because he said something bad was going to happen, but I didn’t think… I’m so sorry.” She hugged me again, crying. I pulled away as I heard the front door shut and ran into the landing, throwing myself at him. “I missed you so much; I’m never leaving you again.” “ ! When did you get back, how long are you staying for?” I smiled and ruffled his hair. “I’m back for good. I didn’t like it there; my best friend wasn’t with me.”

*End of flashback*

Everyone told me that me and would make the perfect couple, but neither of us saw it. Not back then, anyway. Isn’t it the worst feeling in the world when you realise something, but it’s far too late. Well, that’s kind of how this is. I didn’t realise exactly how much I loved until he got with . The perfect girl. She’s actually nothing but an airhead bimbo, but seems smitten, so I make an effort for him. Not that he’d notice. He never notices me anymore – he’s too busy exploring ’tonsils with his tongue. Not that I’m jealous or anything. He’s changed so much since he started hanging out with the ‘popular’ kids. I feel like I don’t really know him anymore. I have the feeling I know what made him do it though. I don’t regret what I did – well, maybe a bit, because if I hadn’t done it, he wouldn’t have been avoiding me, and he wouldn’t have started hanging around with .

*Flashback*

I stumbled into the living room, nearly knocking the table over. looked up from the TV, and sniggered softly. “Oi, don’t laugh at me. I can’t help being…oops.” I collapsed on the floor in a fit of giggles. It was fun being drunk; all my troubles seemed to disappear. “Ok, up you get missy. Come on.” He pulled me up and sat me down on the sofa next to him. I rested my head on his chest and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “ ?” “Hmm?” “Why don’t boys like me? Is it because I’m not pretty?” He gave me a funny look and sat up straight. “Don’t ever say that again.” “You think I’m pretty, don’t you?” “No.” I pulled away from him, feeling the tears well up. “I don’t think you’re pretty, I think you’re fucking gorgeous, and any guy who doesn’t like you needs his head tested.” “Thanks .” “It’s ok. Now, come here, you were keeping me warm.” I sighed happily as I snuggled into him again. I hadn’t realised I was staring at him until he waved a hand in front of my face. “Have I got pen on my face or something?” “No, why?” “You were staring.” I blushed. “I was staring because you’re so stunningly good looking, I think I’m going to pass out.” I pretended to faint, resting my head on his lap. “Ha-ha, you’re so funny.” He started tickling my belly, pulling my top up slightly. The feel of his fingers on my bare skin was making me tingle all over, and I shrieked as he continued tickling. “No, … stop…ow, that tickles. Stop it….aargh, .” I was wriggling about so much, I hadn’t even noticed how close to the edge of the sofa I was, and I landed on the floor with a thump. He instantly stopped tickling me and a look of concern spread on his face as he peered over the edge. I sat up, unaware how far he had leaned over and our lips met briefly. As I pulled away, he wrapped an arm around my neck and pulled me back into the kiss. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, allowing his tongue to gently push into my mouth. We were so caught up in the moment; we didn’t notice his mum walk in. He eventually broke the kiss and we sat in silence. He suddenly got up and walked out, turning back at the door. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

*End of flashback*

That was more than a year ago. Me and had been best friends our whole lives. I don’t know what happened that night, but it changed things between us forever. We decided to give us a try. I can’t think why. It was obvious it was never going to work out between us. After all, we were best friends. That meant that we were too close to start a relationship. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were, but I knew that would probably never happen. I was shocked out of my daydream by the doorbell and jumped up, thinking it would be . I sighed as I looked outside. was stood by the door, waiting for me to let her in. I pressed the buzzer and opened the door to the flat, whacking my head softly against the wall. Of course it wasn’t him, he had a key. She came in, grinning from ear to ear, but stopped as soon as she saw me. “ not come home again last night?” I nodded, feeling the tears spring to my eyes. It was the third time that week he’d stayed out all night, and I was beginning to suspect that the relationship was on its last legs. It hurt to admit that, but I knew it was time. I glanced over at the bags by the door, already certain that leaving was the only way. followed my gaze, then gasped and put her arms around me. “Sweetie, I’m so sorry.” “Don’t be. It’s not your fault he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. It’s just one of those things.” I was trying to be strong, trying not to cry, but inside I was being torn apart. “ , you don’t have to pretend around me. I know how much you love him, I know it hurts.” “Seriously, , I’m fine. I can cope with it. I’m not going to let him do this; he’s not becoming just another guy I’m going to fall apart over. It’s over. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can move on.” She smiled sympathetically at me. “You need some help with these bags?” I nodded, wiping the tears away angrily. I picked up the picture on the mantelpiece and traced over the image. “Goodbye .” I placed the picture back, picked up the other bag and followed out, locking the door behind me and dropping the key through the letterbox. As I placed the bag in the boot of ’s car, I heard someone call my name and I turned around. “ , what’s going on?” “I’m leaving. I’ve had enough of this, . I’m supposed to be your girlfriend, not your maid.” “You’re not my maid. , you can’t leave.” “Why the hell not?” “Because I love you. I can’t live without you.” “You’ve been managing just fine this week. You haven’t come home for three nights, probably out partying while I’m at home, going out of my mind with worry. A phone call wouldn’t have gone amiss.” “I’m sorry, I’ve been…” “Busy?! Well, don’t worry about it, I won’t get in your way anymore. I have to go.” He caught my arm as I went to walk away and spun me back round to face him. “What’s this about ? And don’t say the last three nights, because it’s more than that.” “It’s about us, . It’s just not working out, is it? The last year has been great, but it’s over now. It has been for a long time, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I wanted to try and make it work because I love you.” “I love you too.” “But sometimes, that isn’t enough. I’m sorry.”

I hated the fact that we were no longer as close as we used to be. I hated the fact we weren’t speaking properly at the moment, but I didn’t see any other option. I didn’t think I could be just friends with him again. It was like going back to being a veggie after tasting meat. Before, it hadn't been so bad, I hadn't known what I was missing out on. Now I did, I didn't know how to change back. It was virtually impossible.

The day we broke up was the first day I cut myself. I didn’t do it on purpose the first time, I was washing the dishes and the knife slipped. For some reason, the sight of the fresh blood dripping down my arm didn’t unsettle me. It made me feel good. It made me feel alive. It was the best feeling in the world at that point in time. After that, I'd cut myself nearly every day. My arms were beginning to resemble jigsaw puzzles - the question was, which bit fit where. I'd wear long sleeved tops all the time to cover up the growing number of scars. I didn't want anyone to pity me, or feel bad about it. I wasn't doing it for the attention, I was doing it because it made me feel good. By the time anyone found out about it, I was sucked so far into the cycle of self destruction, I didn't have the slightest clue how to drag myself back out again. was growing increasingly worried about me. I never wanted to go out anywhere, I was always snappy and I just changed seemingly overnight. I didn't want to listen when she told me to get help - I didn't have a problem, I just wanted to be heard. came round more often now, I thought had asked him to keep an eye on me. It turns out he was worried about me too. I can't imagine why, this was the best I'd ever felt. Every time he left, I'd feel lost and unwanted. Rejection became an expected response from everyone. This led to me cutting myself even more. By now, it didn't feel good anymore. It hurt every time the blade sliced my skin, and the sight of blood made me feel queasy. I knew this time I'd gone too far. As I lay on the cold bathroom floor, I could feel the energy draining away. My eyelids felt heavier, and I closed my eyes. All I could think of was the things I'd missed out on. I hadn't had the chance to say goodbye to anyone. my thoughts moved to . How would he feel when he found out? I didn't want to hurt him ,but I knew that if I was to see him again, I had to call him now. Using my last ounce of strength, I grabbed the edge of the sink and pulled myself up. The pain in my arms was excruciating, and I bit my lip to stop myself crying out. I walked through the house, trying to remember where I'd left the phone. There was a trail of blood as I went downstairs, finding the phone on the sofa and quickly dialling 's number. "Hello?" " , I need to see you." I placed the phone back down and went back upstairs to clean up the bathroom. I slumped back down and closed my eyes, leaning my head against the wall. I don't know how long I was there for, but the next thing I remember is someone holding my hand and calling my name. I opened my eyes slowly, smiling softly as I saw . " , what are you playing at? Why do that to yourself? If you needed to talk, I'm always here, you didn't need to cut yourself to pieces." " , spare me the lecture, ok. I called because I wanted to see you, to say sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen." He held a hand out. "Stop right there. That sounds like goodbye. I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not letting you go." A sharp pain shot through me and I winced. Laughing lightly, I closed my eyes and squeezed his hand. "You might not have a choice there babe. I don't feel too good." "Just hold on a bit longer. The doctor's are on their way, just hang in there."