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I sat in the hospital bed, glaring at the cot beside me, with the smallest little person you could ever see sleeping
peacefully, blissfully unaware of all the trouble he'd caused. He was my son, and yet i felt nothing for him. he'd ruined
everything by existing. i winced as i sat up slightly, the sering pain shooting through the large incision in my stomach.
that was the last time i'd be having a caesarean, the pain afterwards was not worth it. i was all set to have a natural birth
and then bam! complications...story of my life really. i scolded myself as a single tear forced its way out of the confines
of my eyes and ran down my cheek. 'pull yourself together woman, you could have lost so much more!' the cheery young
nurse came in to change the dressing and see how i was coping with my new baby. she stood over the cot, cooing at him until
i just couldn't take it any more. "if you think he's that cute, take him home with you! i don't want him." she looked up at
me, a sympathetic look gracing her young face. she wasn't that much older than me, but we looked years apart. "it's like this
with all women after they have their first baby, especially after something as invasive as a c-section. it stops the
natural bonding process, but most women find this goes away after a while. just give it some time, you'll soon wonder
what you did before he came along." 'not a chance!' i thought, bitterly. ' i know what i was doing before
he came along, and i loved it.' "tell you what. i'll take him out on my rounds with me, give you a bit of time to yourself
for a while." i smiled gratefully at her, though i had to supress the urge to scream 'don't bother bringing him back'. she
wheeled the cot away and i slumped back onto the bed, cursing as i overstretched the wound. i closed my eyes and tried to
get to sleep. its not like anyone was coming to visit me anyway. no matter how hard i tried, sleep just wouldn't come. all
i saw was those last few minutes with him. the agonising look in his eyes as he'd spat the words at me.
*flashback*
"look, there's no way we can do this anymore. he knows, ok! he knows, nd i'll be damned if i lose one of my best
frieinds over this." "over what, exactly?" "this! us! we're in the wrong here and you know it." "so you're finishing it? running
away? god, you didn't seem to care about him when you were in his bed with his wife. is that all i was to you? a quick shag?"
"yes. you mean nothing to me. i needed someone and you were there. if any other girl had been in your place, the same thing
would have happened. don't flatter yourself, you're nothing special. i don't love you, i never loved you. it was just about
the sex." "
, i could be carrying your child. doesn't that mean anything to you?" he shook his head, a look of pure hatred in his eyes.
"i don't want some little brat in my life and i certainly don't want you in it. just leave me alone, or i'll tell him everything."
"you wouldn't dare! he'd hate you just as much as me." "don't push it! just stya the hell away from me from now on." and with
that, he turned on his hell and walked away, slamming the door behind him and leaving me in a crumpled heap on the floor.
how had i let things get this far? how had i fallen for him, after all the promises i made to myself? it was all over.
*end of flashback*
"NO! , don't leave!" i heard the chair next to the bed squeak and i opened
my eyes. "so it's true then? he wasn't lying." i looked into my husband's eyes and flinched at what i saw. there was nothing
in them, they were cold and dull. "
, i'm so sorry. i tried." "forget it. i want nothing more to do with you or him.
the divorce papers will be in the post in the morning, i'd appreciate it if you could sign them." "..." He ignored me and stood up from the chair, walking over to the door. "i never thought it was possible
to hate someone you love so much." "Please don't hate me, please." "too late. your secret's out." i was left completely alone
in the room, and for the first time, i found myself wishing that i had my little boy with me. at least he'd love me unconditionally
and not judge me on my mistakes.
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