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Part 1
He's only gone and fucking done it again! Staying out all night with the lads while i'm at home trying
to explain to his four year old son why daddy isnt there to celebrate his birthday. Sometimes, I don't know why i bother with
this relationship. Well, i say realtionship, but its more like a one way thing really. I mean, I know he loves me. He's just
not good at showing it. I feel like i'm the only one who cares if we work out or not. Actually, most of the time, that's probably
true. He'd rather be out with his mates drinking and having a laugh than staying home with me. And yeah, it does hurt, because
I knew what i was letting myself in for at the start of this relationship. It's not like i can start dating a popstar and
expect eveything to be like it would be if i were dating the boy next door. Although to me he kind of is the boy next door.
He doesn't act like he's hot stuff just becasue he's famous. He's lovely to know, and that's why i've bent over backwards
to try and make this thing work.
I realise that it's stupid of me, expecting him to pay attention to me all the time, but a compliment
once in a while wouldn't go amiss. And neither would seeing him if i'm honest. In the last two months, the pub manager
has seen more of my husband than i have. And that's a pretty sad statistic. You might be wondering why I'm still with
him if i know that's how he is. Or even why i got married to him in the first place when i knew that things were going to
be tough. The simple answer is i can't walk away from him. i love him. He loves me, and he loves our children. They worship
the ground he walks on and he would do anything for them. I can't take that away from him because everything that
he lacks as a husband to me right now, he has as a dad. This is the only time he's ever missed a birthday and let's
be frank. If he's smashed out of his head, it's probably a good idea that he's not here right now. It would only lead to another
row. We've been having a lot of those lately. He just can't seem to understand why he should grow up and i can't understand
why he's still acting like a teenager. I didnt mind so much when it was just us, but now we've got the kids, he needs to realise
he's got responsibilities. I can't do everything else around the house while he takes them out to the park or plays with them.
As much as i love him, i can't sit here and put myself through this anymore. i'm his wife, not his slave. And i haven't got
a clue why i still call myself his wife. He's never home anymore, he's cheated at least twice that i know of. I'm beginning
to think that this whole thing is a lot easier than i though it was to start with. He doesn't love me, he loves the idea
of someone doing everything for him for free. He hasn't told me he loves me since Anna was born nearly six months ago. He
hasn't come near me in that time either. Apart from one time he was drunk, and i pushed him away. I didn't want
the first time i slept with my husband since our second child was born to be some three minute fumble on a friday night when
he's so drunk he wouldn't even remember. I've had it up to here with his behaviour and it's time i start calling the shots.
If he comes home tonight, I'll tell him how i feel. How i'm sick of cleaning up after him, and if he doesnt sort it out,
i'm walking. There's only so much i can take and he's crossed that line one too many times now.
Part 2
I was just 16 when i met him. He was 21 at the time, and the idea of going out with an older guy
really appealed to me. Nobody thought we'd work out, and there are times now when i agree with them. I mean, fair enough,
we're still together, we're married and we have two kids together. It's just not the same anymore though. I feel like
i've got a father to my kids, but not a husband. He's changed a lot since then. He still looks pretty much the same, but he
doesn't act the same anymore. He drinks. A lot. Too much. I've lost track of the number of times he's crawled in at god knows
what time so pissed out of his head that he doesnt even make it through the door before passing out. I have to wake up in
the middle of the night, drag him in and close the door so that nothing happens to the house.
All that aside, it is a happy family home. When he's sober, he's brilliant. He's caring, attentive.
That's the times i love him the most. He's perfect to me then. I just wish that it happened more often, becasue i miss my
husband. I've tried to get him to stop drinking, but he just won't admit he's got a problem. According to him, he has a few
drinks on night out and its just me being paranoid. He never remembers the times when he's totally out of it, so of
course he'll think i'm lying. I'm seriously getting to the end of my tether. I don't want to lose him, but at the same time
,i dont think i can take much more of this. I'm slowly going insane, because it's like looking after three kids and i just
don't have the time or the energy anymore. If he doesn't stop now, he's going to get ill, and that really will be it for me
and him. i've got a responsibility to my children, I can't spend the rest of my life looking after him becasue he's chosen
to drink himself to an early grave.
Of course the kids don't have a clue what's going on. i daren't tell them that me and their dad are
having problems or why. They worship the ground he walks on, and he loves them to bits. He's never let them see him when he's
drunk. At least he's got that much sense. Sometimes, i worry that he won't be able to stop himself, and i never leave him
alone with them just in case he does have a few drinks. He's not a violent drunk, but he's unpredictable and sometimes, that
can be just as bad.
Part 3
*Flashback*
"Do you love me?" "That's the stupidest question ever. You know I do." "In that case, will you marry me?" I squealed as
he went down on one knee and produced a small box from his back pocket. He flipped it open to reveal a ring with a diamond
the size of my fist. Ok so i'm exaggerating a bit, but it was a pretty huge rock. And obviously when he presents me with a
ring like that, i'm not gonna say no, am i? "Of course i will. I love you so much
."
*End of flashback*
Of course, things started going downhill after that day. He turned up to our wedding drunk as a skunk. I don't know why
i married him having seen the state he was in, but i figured at the time that he was just hungover from the night before.
I know what they guys can be like when they get together. That and the fact that there were people there who were expecting
to see a wedding. I couldn't just send them home could i? It was hardly fair on them. I was sure that he'd never get like
this again, that it was just a one off. On my wedding day - something that is supposed to be the most special day in my life.
Instead it turned into a bit of a circus show.
*Flashback*
" I've got some bad news for you
.
's a bit..." "Hey, babe. I love you. Have I ever told you that. You're brilliant. I can't wait til we get married. It's going
to be the..." And he passed out. Just three hours before we were due to exchange vows, my wonderful husband to be turns up
drunk and passes out. Don't ask me how i managed to wake him up long enoguh for the ceremony to pass without a hitch, but
somehow I managed it. And instead of getting a kiss and a cuddle when we were all alone later, i got a 'get off, i'm tired'
and a loud snore. Oh, the joys of married life.
Part 4
"Babe, are you home?" I closed the door behind me and carried the bags into the kitchen. I'd just been for the weekly shop,
and I was hoping that when I got home, he'd be there to help me carry it all in. No such luck then. I put the bags down and
leaned against the kitchen counter, holding my head in my hands. This was not the way I had envisaged married life. It was
supposed to be the man that did all the hard jobs in the house while to woman stayed in to look after the house and the kids.
That wasn't how it worked with us though, I was doing everything. I just couldn't carry on like this, I was going to work
myself into an early grave. "?" I sat up, brushing my hair off my face and
busied myself in the kitchen, putting the food into cupboards and so on. "?" "In
the kitchen." He came into the kitchen, smiling from ear to ear. I nearly couldn't believe my eyes. He looked completely different.
What was he hiding? "Pete? You look...different." "I'm sorry for everything I've put you through." "What do you mean?" "The
drinking. I was wrong about it all. I'm trying to change though, I love you, I don't want to lose you. It's been 2 days since
I last had a drink and I feel great. It's not going to be easy, but I want to do this for you. For us." I felt the tears welling
up and I threw myself at him, burying my face in his shoulder and trying to regain my composure as the sobs wracked through
my body. "I need you to help me though." Of course I will. We'll get through this together." And that was it. As easy as that,
my husband decided that he had a problem, and that he was going to quit drinking. It was all going to be ok from here on.
Right? Well, it would have been in an ideal world. I didn't realise quite how hard it was in reality. I don't think did either. He'd never give up trying, but I know how hard he was finding it. He went throught the whole
load of symptoms. The first few weeks were easily the worst. He'd wake up in the middle of the night, breathing heavily. His
body was so used to having alcohol that now, without any, it was trying to shut down. He'd get really bad shakes, he lost
weight, he turned pale. I was worried about him, but he wouldn't go and see a doctor. "This is normal if I'm going cold turkey.
It'll get better soon, I promise." The kids wanted to know what was wrong with daddy, and i couldn't say anything, because
he'd sworn me to secrecy. I felt bad for lying to them, but at the same time, I knew what would happen if I told them the
truth. They were still young and I certainly didn't want them to grow up knowing that their father was a recovering alcoholic.
It wasn't going to do them any good. I'd tell them he was ill, and they believed me. Looking back on it now, it was definately
the right thing to do. I wasn't just protecting him, I was protecting them.
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