With This Knife

'I let myself fall into a lie
I let my walls come down
I let myself smile and feel alive
I let my walls come down
No matter how I try I don't know why
You push so far away
You wrapped your hands tight around my heart
And squeezed it full of pain

You don't even know it. You have no idea exactly what you're doing to me. Every time you come near me, I feel alive. But when you're not, it hurts so much. I can't breathe, I'm falling into a trap. Not being with you is killing me. You're so perfect. I'm taking this picture of us with me. Maybe where I'm going, it will all become a reality. Maybe where I'm going, pain doesn't exist. I hope it doesn't, I've been hurting too much for too long now. It's time for it to stop. All of my friends are worried about me. Even the guys don't know why I'm being like this. I don't suppose they'd understand. They've never been in love. I have. With you. And I've had enough. Love hurts. It sucks so much. So, I'm going to do the only thing I know how to do to stop the pain from building up and suffocating me.

With this knife I’ll cut out the part of me
The part that cares for you
With this knife I’ll cut out the heart of me
The heart that cares for you

I'm sat here holding the knife in my hand, but I can't seem to do it. What if I'm wrong. What if I'm misreading the signals. Oh, that's just stupid. I'm stupid for ever falling in love with you. We're too alike for it to work out. We're both the same people really. I know that you've felt like this about someone before. Loved them so much, they became the centre of your universe. Except I wasn't that person. You didn't fall in love with me, and I can't hurt myself anymore. I need to end this now. I didn't see this coming. Not by a long shot. You're so not my type. I mean, really not my type. You're a guy for starters. And you're my best friend. You've been there for me all through this. The good times and the bad. Will you be there for me forever. I know I'm always going to be there for you. I'll never leave your side. I can't. You'll have a part of me forever.

I can't believe the way you took me down
I never saw the pain
Coming in a million broken miles
Like poison for my veins

I never saw the pain. Lord knows I felt it, but I never saw it. Not even when I see you. You're my pain. You're like the thorn on a rose stem. The one that pricks my finger and makes it bleed. The poison being released. It's not poison running through my veins. It's blood. Real blood. Scarlet red, dripping at first, then oozing and then flowing freely. At least, that's how I picture it. Pretty, isn't it? It's a shame I'll never get to tell you what it's actually like. It's got to be better than this though. Sitting around, waiting for something to happen that will mean I don't have to go through with this. The box is ready and everything's written out for you. All I need now is the present to put in. I'm nearly there though. Just a few more minutes. I watch the blade in my hand. This is going to be the end.

With this knife I’ll cut out the part of me
The part that cares for you
With this knife I’ll cut out the heart of me
The heart that cares for you

I'm not going to have nightmares anymore. I don't think I can dream where I'm going. I can't think, or feel, but that's the way I want it. I don't want to feel anymore. It hurts so much. I don't want to live anymore. Not without you. And you'll never be mine. I'm trying so hard not to cry, but I can't help it. I'm so young. Too young to die. To young to do this. I wish you'd come and stop me. You should have been back ages ago, but you're not. I'm sat here all alone in the dark, holding a knife in my hand and I'm getting ready to stop the pain. I'm doing it all for you. Because I love you so much, I can't bear to let you go. Instead, I'm going to let myself go. It's easier. Less people get hurt that way. Wow, this is a long letter isn't it. There's just so much I want to say. I guess I'll have to save the rest until we meet again. And we will meet again. I promise you that. I'll wait forever just to see you again.

The hate and the fear
The nightmares that wake me up
In tears
The nightmares and (the hate)...

I'm not doing this because of hate. I'm doing this because of love. The love I felt for you that you never even noticed. Maybe you'll notice now. Now I've left you with the one part of me that matters. Look in the box and you'll see what I mean. I'm sorry it had to come to this. I will always love you, but I just couldn't take the pain anymore. It was eating me up inside. Look after it, I don't think I could take a broken heart. That's why I had to do this. That's why I had to cut out the part of me that cares for you. That's why I had to cut out the heart of me.

Eternally yours, .'

I threw the letter down and cautiously picked up the box, feeling the sick rise to my throat as I opened it to find her heart inside. Her actual heart. She cut it out herself just to show me how much she cares. I carefully placed the lid back on the box and left it on the table. I would never break her heart, and I'd promised to look after it. How was I going to do that? She wasn't here anymore. I looked over at the box one last time before closing the door and leaving the house for good. I couldn't protect her when she was alive, there was no way I was going to be able to do it now she was gone. She hadn't even stopped to ask me how I felt. If she had, I wouldn't just have her heart as a memory. I'd have her in my arms.