Sick

I watched them together, feeling the nausea rise up in my throat. They were so happy together. She was always smiling because he made her happy. It should have been me. I love her so much. It hurts that she doesn’t feel the same way. Not about me, anyway. She loves him, she tells me every time she comes home, grinning from ear to ear. I just sit there and nod, trying to be happy for her, but I can’t do it. I can’t be happy that she’s with someone else. I know I should be, because she’s happy, and that’s all I really want. To see her smiling every minute she’s awake. She has a beautiful smile. She used to say that it was a special smile just for me, because I was the only guy in her life. She doesn’t say that anymore. I didn’t want to lose her, but she was gradually slipping away from me. I was losing her and I’d never known pain like it. You know how some people need drugs or alcohol just to get through the day. Well, she’s my drug. She’s what keeps me going, and it’s not long until she’s taken away from me so that I can kick the habit and get better. Only, I’m not sick. I’m in love. And I blew it.

It's more than a habit
I’m more than an addict
I'm parked here outside your door
Know you never lock it
Got your keys in my pocket
Lights all out
But I know for sure I am

*Flashback*

She sat down next to me on the sofa and took my hand in hers. I pulled my hand away roughly, ignoring the hurt look on her face and turned my back to her. There was no way I was going to let her see me cry. I’d just split up with my girlfriend and the wounds were still fresh. I was snapping at anyone and everyone who came near me, yet she still kept trying. “ , I know that you’re pissed off, but you can’t keep doing this to yourself babe. You’ll make yourself ill.” “What do you care?” “I care, ok! You’re my best friend; I hate seeing you like this. It makes me feel sad.” “Don’t try and lay the guilt trip on me. I didn’t ask you to come here, did I? I just want to be left alone, is that so hard to understand?” “Actually, yeah. You need your friends around you right now.” “Don’t try and tell me what I need! Just go home!” “I am home, . I live here, remember?” “Then go and be annoying somewhere else. I don’t need you.” “Fine. I’m going out to see . Don’t wait up.” “You’re seeing quite a lot of him recently.” “Jealous?” “No! I’m just saying.” “Whatever. Give me a call when you decide to pull your head out of your arse and realise that I am trying to help you.” And that was it. She stormed out in a huff and left me sitting on the sofa, a fresh batch of tears replacing the old ones.

*End of flashback*

Ten steps away from you
From you and him
Redemption, is that a sin?

I knew from her reaction that day that there was something more than met the eye going on between her and . I prayed that I was wrong. It wasn’t until later that month I found out for certain, when I saw them on the doorstep. I was still mad at the world, but I’d realised that I couldn’t get through it alone. I heard a car pull up outside and went up to the window. She was stood with her back to me and they were firmly attached at the lips. At that point, my heart broke into a million little pieces. I sank back down onto the sofa, unable to believe that I’d blown my only chance with her. If I’d told her, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I’d still be the only guy in her life. Maybe it would have stayed that way forever.

I'd never run him over
I wouldn't wanna dent my car
I'd never rip your throat out
'cos that could leave a nasty scar
So I’m gonna go out, get drunk with my friends
Try to get myself out of this funk
I'd never screw my life up
Because of how sick you are

I wanted to hurt him. I was so mad at him for taking her away from me. She was the only thing that was stopping me from doing that. I couldn’t bear to see her unhappy. If he made her happy, that was something I was going to have to learn to deal with. After all, I was hardly going to measure up to him. She only ever saw me as a friend. The next evening, when she left to meet her friends, I waited a few minutes before following her out. I can’t explain exactly why I did that. I suppose I just wanted to make sure that she was safe. I wanted to protect her, shelter her from the world the way she’d done for me just a few months earlier. I followed her along the riverbank, dimming the headlights as she slowed to a stop just past the bridge. He was there, waiting for her. I could see her laughing about something. I closed my eyes, trying to push the thoughts of her out of my head. That’s when I realised that she wasn’t mine. She was her own person; it was up to her what she did with her life. I couldn’t lose her. I’d never had her in the first place. I was just her best friend, and that’s all she saw me as. That’s all she loved me as. It didn’t matter what I felt for her, it was never going to happen because it wasn’t reciprocated. I never saw the point in giving him the ‘you ever hurt her, I’ll kill you’ speech. Partly because I didn’t want to admit to him or anyone else the full extent of my feelings, but partly because I was scared it was going to become the truth. I really would have snapped him in half if he ever did anything to make her cry. That’s how much I loved her. That’s how much I still love her. It doesn’t bother me that she’ll never be able to feel the same.

You walk by the river
As you start to shiver
Two headlights are following you
As he pulls you closer
My engine's ticking over
It's my choice
To do what I do

*Flashback*

“Have a nice time with ?” “I wasn’t with him. I was with the girls.” “Don’t give me that crap , I was there. I saw you!” “You followed me?” “I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to make sure you got there ok.” “You followed me!? What the hell is wrong with you ?” “I just wanted to be sure you were ok. I don’t want to lose you.” “Well, that’s too bad, isn’t it? I am not staying here if you don’t even trust me enough to let me go out and let my hair down for one day.” “I bet that’s not all you were letting down.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself and I reeled back as the slap stung my cheek. “You’re sick! You are really sick, do you know that?” “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” “I don’t care! What happened to you . You used to be my best friend. The one guy in my life I could rely on, and you’ve changed over these last few months. I don’t know you any more.” She picked up her bag and left, not for the first time.

*End of flashback*

Ten steps away from you
From you and him
Redemption, is that a sin?

I didn’t see her again that night. She didn’t come home. She was probably crying in his arms. I had to stop thinking about her. I had to get the image of them out of my head, or I was going to go out of my mind. It was so much harder than I thought it would be, trying to let her go. I didn’t want to, but it was the only way I could show her that I was there for her no matter what. I had to get her back to me. I didn’t want to push her even further away, especially after all the hard work she’d put in trying to bring me back from the brink of insanity. She had every right to be hurt. I shouldn’t have followed her that night. It just showed her that I didn’t trust her, even though I did. I just didn’t trust him as much.

After several hours of crying over her, I finally decided it was time for me to get my act together and move on. I opened the drinks cabinet and pulled out a bottle of vodka, taking a swig and shivering as it hit the back of my throat. It was stupid of me, but at the time, I saw that bottle as my way out. It was certainly helping to numb the pain, so I just kept drinking. By the end of that evening, I was sat in the living room, barely able to stand up, let alone walk, with seven or eight empty bottles scattered around me. I needed to speak to her, to explain what had happened. I doubted she’d listen, but it was certainly worth a try. I picked myself up off the floor, tripping over one of the many bottles and just barely managing to keep myself on my feet. It was time I did the right thing and swallowed my pride.

I'm talking bout a split decision
Made in anger you know
I'm talking something that could change my life forever
Is it worth it? No
Is it worth it? No
Should I stay here and watch the show?
Or maybe... It's time to go

I wanted to call her. I even keyed her number into my phone a few times, but I bottled out every time. I guess that it was too late for apologies. She was out of my reach now. I decided that my only option was to stand aside and let nature take its course as far as she was concerned. If things worked out for them, so be it, but I wasn’t going to stick around to see that happen. I had to see her to say sorry for putting her through hell. I left our house, walking across the middle of the road, deep in thought. I didn’t hear her scream at me to get out of the road, and I didn’t hear the screech of brakes as the truck slammed into the back of me sending me flying a good few feet before landing with a sickening thud. She ran over to me, taking my hand in hers just as she had done a few months ago, tears filling her eyes. “ ?” I opened my eyes briefly and tried to smile. “I’m not sick. I’m in love. And I blew it.” Those were my final words to her before I closed my eyes and let the darkness engulf me.